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It wears on you. Then there’s the anxiety that comes from the fallout of the illness. I.E. paying bills with little money. Trying to maintain relationships. Worries about the future and if you have one.Every now and then though, things ease up a bit. You don’t hurt so much. You’re mind is a little clearer and you find a smile on your face. That’s me at the moment. My head hurts and I had to leave work early because I went totally mute. But I’m not shaking and I don’t need my cane and my wife’s not crying or yelling at me. I feel relatively happy. I had a nap and a bowl of chili with some shredded cheese in it.Last night I was a little down and feeling envious which is an emotion I try to avoid like the plague. It’s almost as poisonous as bitterness which will kill your soul. I was envious because there’s all these people who can make choices and I can’t. Oh, I can make the choices, but I don’t have the power to back them up. Simple example: I can decide I want a Little Caesar’s. “And after this little bout of verbal jousting, I have to ask, was that dance a seduction attempt?”“I was curious what you would do. I’d seen your dance with Liz, and some with other girls as well. But the one with Liz really got my attention.”“And you had to prove something to yourself? Or test me?”“It wasn’t a test. I wouldn’t have been offended if you had made any kind of suggestive remark.”“Were you disappointed?”Mary smiled, “You didn’t need words to make your point, so to speak.”“You said it was a normal physiological reaction. Do you think it’s controllable when an attractive female is dancing just close enough for her body to rub against mine?”“I don’t think you’re that easy; I think you have to actually be attracted to the girl and want her.”“And how do you know THAT?” I asked.“I watched you pretty much the entire evening. I can’t quite put my finger on what it was, but I could tell the difference between girls you are truly attracted to versus the ones you simply danced.
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